“902-100” – 90210


A host of familiar faces made a return to West Bev and 90210 this week – but none of the likeable ones. All we got was the reappearance of creepy psychos Jasper and Cousin Emily. You’d think they’d crack out the big guns for the 100th episode (and the Alumni weekend was a great opportunity to bring back some fan favorites), but where was Ethan (Dustin Milligan)? Where was their (apparently only) teacher, Ryan (Ryan Eggold)? Where were 90210 and Beverly Hills, 90210 alums Kelly Taylor and Brenda Walsh (Jennie Garth and Shannen Doherty)? Why were we stuck with Cousin Emily and Jasper (both of whom we’d completely forgotten, by the way), and Denise Richards for some reason? Kind of a poor showing for such a milestone episode.

The plot: Naomi’s trying to get into the Ladies of West Bev Legacy Society or some shit. It’s really just an overblown excuse to bring Denise Richards on board and for Naomi to atone for her sins. Which is ridiculous because she hasn’t actually changed at all since high-school. She’s still a bitch who thinks she’s better than everyone else but hides a heart of gold. She is exactly the same.

Everyone still hates Navid, but only until the end of the episode when Liam decides they can be friends again because he needs someone to house-sit. So he has a really good reason for forgiving him, then…

Liam has bought a house out in the ‘burbs that looks strangely like the one Annie lived in with that boy for a while. We may be making this up. Our memory of the entire show is a little foggy. She definitely had a college boyfriend that lived in a house like that. Or was that Naomi? Anyway, he does it because he’s been getting phone calls with the recording of his 911 call on the other end of the line. He wants to put the house in Annie’s name. He tells her what happened to Vanessa. She seems surprisingly cool about it.

Being back in highschool makes Annie feel terrible about her shit life. So she starts blogging about her life as a prostitute. As you do. Her sexcapade memoirs are bound to be a smash hit on the internet. Where’s Riley, by the way? He would have loved the Playboy Mansion.

Speaking of, here at Pond Hopping Girls we’re a little divided over Silver’s burlesque scene. Kirsty liked it – thought it was the right mix of understated and sultry – while Blythe thought it was more awkward than sexy. We’ve agreed to disagree.

Dixon saw the video of Ade and Taylor making out. He dumps her. But we’re a little disappointed in him for going straight from deeply in love to almost Edward Cullen levels of control (“I own you.”). In a way, it’s no less than Ade deserves, but it’s still a bit much. And seriously, where’s Austin?! Shouldn’t her manager be involved in her record deal in some way?

Bryce has stolen Max’s company out from under him. So that’s Naomi’s fault. And Max is making no effort to hide that he thinks that. We really don’t care about this couple. There’s no chemistry between them and they just don’t make sense. Not just because she’s ‘hot’ and he’s a nerd. It feels like there’s zero attraction between them and very little to recommend either to the other as a potential lifelong companion. They’re not going to last. We feel it in our bones.

And, to absolutely no one’s surprise, Vanessa is alive and well. We predict she and Ashley will soon be clashing over which of them gets to stalk Liam. But we also think Ashley is the one leaving the notes and calling with 911 recordings, though. As a cop she had access to the recordings and, as a creepy stalker, she probably saw Vanessa fall. Vanessa will be back to cause trouble, but we think it’s far more likely that she’ll somehow save Liam from psycho Ashley than that she’s the one going all I Know What You Did Last Summer.

We hope next week’s winter finale will tie up some of these storylines. We’re ready for the next disaster now. – B+K


Quoteworthy: “I never thought I’d say this in a million years but right now I’m actually pretty glad to be disabled.” – Dixon


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